Eagles

A Win for the Tush Push is a Win for America

By Coggin Toboggan

Published: May 22nd, 2025 · 9:21 AM EDT

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When the NFL tyrants failed to kill off the tush push, a bald eagle wearing a stars and stripes bandana alighted atop George Washington’s head on Mt. Rushmore and triumphantly SHREDDED the entirety of Van Halen’s “Eruption” into the South Dakota sky.

The failure to defeat the tush push is everything that makes this country great. It’s the pinnacle of American patriotism, the high-water mark of this country’s nearly 250 year history that’s seen not one, but TWO world war victories, unbridled democratic success for generations, and Joey Chestnut eating 72 hot dogs at the 2017 Nathans Hot Dog Eating championship.

We’ve seen some great moments, sure, but nothing comes close to this. The tush push victory is the EPITOME of American excellence, utterly mirroring the bravery and courage demonstrated by our founding fathers when creating this grand old country.

A small, upstart force banding together to fight for what’s right in the face of great opposition? Check. Struggling against a dominant, oppressive band of ne’er-do-wells to live life as they pleased? Check. Not bending the knee to the old guard and standing tall in the face of long odds?

Check. Check. Check.

The Eagles weren’t supposed to win this fight. Reports claimed the tush push was all but dead. Do you think anyone gave a few hundred thousand rag-tag American soldiers a chance to defeat the finely-tuned British forces in the late 18th century? Oh my, no. If social media existed in 1776, all of the “war talk experts” surely would have predicted the colonies would be eating pork pies, mushy peas with mint, or whatever other glop the Brits threw on toast and try to pass off as food by 1777.

But here we are, in all our glory. Free to push tushes in high-leverage, short-yardage situations without fear of reprisal and to clog our arteries with cheese steaks and pork roll egg and cheese in the name of American exceptionalism.

The British complained of the “incivility” of the American Minutemen’s fighting tactics in the American Revolution, their penchant for Guerrilla warfare and frighteningly effective ambushes that spit in the face of “civilized combat” that helped turn the tide of the war. Frustrated by their lack of control, the Red Coats cried foul at the “controversial” way the Americans were waging their war.

“We can’t do what they do! It’s uncivilized to fire from trees, from behind brick walls, to run and hide and ambush our supply lines. It’s not warfare! It ruins the pace of battle and it doesn’t look like how we want our war to look like! It must be outlawed!”

Sound familiar? Green Bay Packers President Mark Murphy will basically be remembered as General George Cornwallis for the rest of history. Couldn’t rally his troops, couldn’t deal with a SCRAPPY and GRITTY coalition from Philadelphia who amassed support from so many, couldn’t change his way of thinking to the detriment of the men he led, ultimately embarrassing himself on the grandest stage. You FAILED Murphy, and it’s time you surrender your stupid cheesehead and all the worthless team stock you’ve sold to the rubes to Lurie.

You know what else? Go ahead and dump a couple of hunks of sharp cheddar cheese into the Schuylkill today to show Murphy you won’t be repressed by his despotism any longer.

Hell, history teachers for years to come will hold Jeffrey Lurie’s “like a wet dream for a teenage boy” rallying cry in the same regard as Nathan Hale’s “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country” quote moments before he was hanged for spying against the British. It’s just as inspirational and far more titillating than anything Hale ever said.

This is America. This is what makes America great.

God bless the USA. God bless the tush push.