You should be mad. Actually it’s encouraged because this team stinks right now. I don’t care how early it is because they have no identity on offense, the majority of the pitchers stink currently, they’re still chasing balls out of the strike zone (though not as much as normal), and the same holes that have plagued them before in the playoffs are already showing up. There is no reason why you should have any optimism for this team while they’re 10-8 after starting the year 7-2 and winning a series over the Dodgers. But that’s what I’m here for. Woke up feeling good today. It’s time for me to put some glimmer back into your existence while the Phillies look like the real life affogato:

Here are some things you can hold your hat on while we slog our way through the workday before the Phils start at 4:05.

They are one game back of the Mets

The Mets are not taking advantage of the Phillies recent struggles. Wednesday Juan Soto went 0-for-5 with three strikeouts. He’s batting .231 on the year and every Mets fan in New York is already pissed at him because he said his struggles were due to not hitting “in front of the best hitter in baseball” anymore while Pete Alonso has a 1.195 OPS. They just dropped a series to the 4th place Twins who are five games under .500. Mets fans are already losing their minds. This is what I imagine Phillies Twitter would be in human form right now:

The Braves are still 8 games below .500

The Braves are still in a rut. They just lost back to back series and sit in the dog house of the NL East. They’re 5-6 since they started 0-7. The only thing scoring are their announcers. Sure they just wiped the floor with the Phillies at home, but they’re 2-11 on the road. Wait til the Phils give them a taste of their own medicine when they come into the Bank. The Braves might’ve dug themselves too much of a hole early in the tough NL even with the return of Spencer Strider and Ronald Acuna Jr. in the foreseeable future.

Bryce Harper has two home runs in two games

It’s not even hitting season yet and Bryce Harper looks like he’s getting around to mashing. Admit it when that ball went over the fence you thought that spark was finally lit for the ball club. That was one of those violent Harper home runs that reminds you he’s one of the most dangerous hitters in baseball. He’s on pace for 36 home runs.


The Phillies have the 5th best percentage to win the World Series

According to FanGraphs the Phillies are still World Series contenders. In fact they’re in the top-5. Do you hate calculators and nerds? Of course you do. The Phillies analytics team might as well be a bunch of monkeys playing with an abacus and trying to find the files in the computer. Why else would they sit a hot (on the field and off the field) Max Kepler in favor of Johan Rojas just because a lefty is pitching. Because their computer said so!? You want to take their calculators, smash them on the ground, and stomp them into smithereens. Well now it might be time to trust them – at least these ones because it’s the only thing you have bringing you hope.

Matt Strahm has a cool new glove!

Look how cool Matt Strahm’s new Declaration of Independence glove is!

Isn’t that cool? He looks just like Nicolas Cage. Get it? Isn’t that funny? Is this thing on?