Obviously Spoilers below…

Monday night was episode two of The Bachelor and thank god the Sixers were on the west coast so I could watch it in peace instead of having Joel Embiid interrupt it with another 70-point display.

Last week’s episode brought you the MVP, Lauren from Philly, who made one of the most iconic entrances in Bachelor history:

That’s how you make a first impression. America doesn’t realize that’s how most people from Philly spend their first date.

I love that she showed Joey (also from the Philly area) immediately that she’s a guy’s girl. You can crush a dress at a wedding, but also crush beers at McGillin’s on an Eagles Sunday. Lauren embodied Chase Utley and promptly revealed herself as a five-tool player. From there on out I expected a meteoric rise that would capture Bachelor Nation’s hearts. A girl who shotguns beers and dates the same guy as her sister is a reality TV match made in heaven! And a little Delco if you ask me. She also had a little crazy to her that I felt kept Joey on his toes. It’s like Embiid being able to score from all over the court. You never know how they’re going to hurt you next. A combination of these traits would carry her far. Or so I thought…


Lauren from Philly, like MVPs in this city before her, came up short when it mattered most and ended up quitting the show. And like many before her, it all came crashing down in a ball of fire. Sucks for her, but it’s great for us!

If you don’t want to watch the four minute video, cause our attention spans as a society have gone to shit, here’s a quick recap:

1) The first group date that Lauren is featured in has nine girls dress up in wedding dresses and meet Joey at a fake wedding reception. During the limo ride, it’s revealed Lauren’s dad passed seven months before filming and she’s distraught over wearing a wedding dress for the first time and her dad not being there. Totally acceptable, but her mood goes to shit and like every Philly girl it’s noticeable. If they’re having a bad time, then everyone is having a bad time. This sets up her story arc for rest of the episode. It also didn’t help when they were picking seats the producers had them play musical chairs and one of the girls goes full Troy Polamalu over the table and lands in Lauren’s lap:

https://www.tiktok.com/@watchwithneebz/video/7329699137048399135?_r=1&_t=8jT8CFdKsE2&social_sharing=1

 

2) Fast forward and before the rose ceremony all the girls are getting one-on-one time with him. Keep in mind there’s like 20 women vying for his attention, so Lauren has to wait. And wait. And wait. It’d be quicker to get a hoagie at the Sea Isle Wawa at 2 a.m. in the summer than it was to get our queen a one-on-one with Joey. This continues the frustration, and like a Main Line Pokemon she evolves into a more annoyed version of herself. For a girl who’s only seen two championships in her life you’d think the waiting would be nothing. But like all of our favorite Philly girls, when their night at the bar is over, it’s over, and she decides she’s done with the show. Joey doesn’t even look to stop her. I feel like her relationship with Joey is like Sixers fans’ relationship with Ben Simmons. In his eyes he saw a 15-year Hall of Fame career when she came out of the limo. Instead she only had one move, couldn’t keep it together, and it was over quickly.

3) Before she leaves, the producers bring her a cake, which was going to be her one-on-one bit, since they didn’t get to eat cake at the fake wedding reception. She requested red velvet. *Narrator’s voice* – “It was not red velvet.” annnnnnnnd she handles it like how you think she would:

@karoline.oneill

Uncalled for. #fyp #thebachelor #berrychantillycake

♬ LMAO THE VIDS – Frozbyte

Just like Lauren, my watch has come to end. Yea, her sister is still on it but she doesn’t move the needle like a crazy woman throwing cakes and shotgunning beers does. Unfortunately we only lasted two weeks, but what a two weeks it was: