Don’t freak out, because he still has his place on the Main Line, but Joel Embiid is selling his Philly condo for $5.5 million:

Can we be honest with each other for a second? This might be the worst house on the market in the city of Philadelphia. I’m not even joking. The only reason a rich person would buy this is to say they own Joel Embiid’s former house. A two bedroom home for $5.5 million is a ripoff. Not to mention next to 95? Why are we building beautiful luxury spots next to a major highway and why are the city’s greatest athletes inhabiting these places? Kevin Hayes did it too, but at least his joint had five beds and six baths.

I love condo listings. It’s when every line is hilarious:

101 Walnut is a chic, contemporary boutique condominium building nestled between the Delaware River offering prime, serene water views, and historically significant buildings and sites.

“Contemporary boutique.”

Bitch the place was built during George Bush’s last year in office. The Founding Fathers weren’t breaking bread at the marble dinner table.


“Nestled between the Delaware River offering prime, serene water views, and historically significant buildings and sites.”

There are dead bodies in that brown dirty water. Also, historically significant buildings and sites? I love the BB&T like everyone else, but high school kids fingering each other on the lawn won’t be taught in history books.

Imagine getting a showing of this place. Pros: Beautiful countertops, tons of space, and a beautiful pool. Cons: Becoming Jack Nicholson’s character from The Shining because all you listen to is the white noise of dirt bikes and tractor trailers all day. No wonder Joel Embiid never could get past the second round. He couldn’t fucking sleep in his tiny apartment. There are apartments in New York with more space for less money than what it costs in him in monthly HOA fees. Talk about a money pit.

I could have all of King Midas’ silver and I wouldn’t touch this place… unless they throw in Arthur’s race car with the house:

Now we’re talking.