The Philadelphia Flyers are on a three-game win streak since firing John Tortorella. Matvei Michkov is on a tear, the boys are battling out there on the ice, and they’ve also played themselves out of the bottom five and are currently tied with the Pittsburgh Penguins on 71 points.

Naturally, that’s resulted in a bit of consternation among Flyers fans, both hardcore and casual. It’s good to see winning hockey, but they’re also compromising their draft chances at the same time by stacking points and moving up the board.

So we asked ChatGPT to write us a story illustrating the conflict that local hockey fans currently find themselves in:

“Danny McCallister sat at his usual spot at O’Leary’s Pub, gripping his Yuengling a little too tightly as the Flyers finished off a 4-2 win over the Canadiens. The bar erupted in cheers, but Danny just shook his head.

“That’s three straight since they canned Torts,” he grumbled. “Three! We were sittin’ pretty in the bottom five, lookin’ at a real shot at the top pick, and now? Now we’re gonna screw this up.”

His friend, Mikey, leaned on the bar with a smirk. “C’mon, Dan. You really want to sit through another year of tanking? We already suffered through last season. You don’t wanna see the boys winning?”

Danny slammed his beer down. “Winning? Winning what, Mikey? The April Cup? The ‘Too Good to Tank, Too Bad to Compete’ Trophy? We do this every year—go on some meaningless run late in the season and mess up our draft position.”

Mikey laughed. “You sound like one of those analytics nerds. I thought you hated that stuff.”

Danny’s nostrils flared. “I hate tanking more. I’d rather see ‘em play hard than roll over for some kid who might not even pan out.”

“So what’s the problem? They’re playing hard and winning.”

Danny sighed. “The problem is, we need high-end talent, Mikey. We need game-breakers, and the easiest way to get ‘em is through the draft. But nooo, we gotta go on a feel-good run after they fire the coach. Classic Flyers.”

Mikey shrugged. “Look, man, you either believe in building a winning culture or you don’t. You really want a bunch of kids coming into a locker room where losing is the expectation? Besides, you think the draft is a sure thing? Remember Nolan Patrick?”

Danny winced but stayed firm. “You don’t tank for a pick. You tank for a chance at a franchise player. It’s about the future.”

Mikey took a sip of his beer and grinned. “Alright, genius, let’s say we did keep losing. You think the lottery’s just gonna hand us the first pick? This isn’t ‘85, and we don’t have a frozen envelope.”

Danny groaned, running a hand through his graying hair. “I know. But it’s just… frustrating. Every time we’re close to bottoming out, we go on one of these pointless surges and end up picking seventh.”

Mikey clapped him on the back. “Hey, if they’re winning, maybe that means they got something worth keeping. Maybe the kids are growing, maybe there’s hope.”

Danny exhaled, staring at the screen as the Flyers celebrated another unnecessary victory. He wanted to be mad—really, he did—but deep down, he felt that old, familiar spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe, this time would be different.

But still, he muttered, “They better not pick seventh again.”

This was… startlingly accurate? Captured the mood perfectly. There was even a Nolan Patrick reference in there. The only thing that surprised me is that that ChatGPT did not throw in a line about the 76ers and The Process being a failure (it wasn’t a failure), but artificial intelligence nailed everything else. A+ work. 10 out of 10.