I know we’ve got a lot of parents reading the site these days, probably because the Millennial demographic that started with Crossing Broad 15 years ago simply aged into the “exhausted 40-year-old with children” bracket.

So if you’re like me, you’re probably taking your kids to swimming and baseball, soccer and dance lessons. It’s really opened the door for what I find to be a fascinating sociological study on how parents behave at these functions.

Namely, I’ve separated these parents into four different categories:

A. parent buried in phone, not even remotely paying attention

As the description implies, this person could not give a flying shit about their kid’s activity, for a number of reasons. Maybe they see it as a rare and brief opportunity to scroll Instagram while someone else watches their kid. Maybe they trust the instructor implicitly and know they don’t need to be involved. Typically harmless, the downside is when their kid is dicking around or not listening, when parent is slow to realize what’s going on and step in to get things back on track.

B. watching the activity, no devices

Probably the most rare type of parent. This one simply sits there and enjoys watching their child do whatever it is they signed them up to do. No phone, no pad, no brothers or sisters to mind. They’re watching the instructor do what they’ve been paid to do.


C. hybrid parent who drifts in and out

This is me. I try to watch the entirety of the exercise without losing focus. But it’s difficult. In swimming, for instance, there’s one instructor and four kids. The kids take turns doing individual reps with the instructor. So I watch when it’s my kid’s turn, then unconsciously go back to my phone when she’s just sitting on the side of the pool waiting for her next rep. But I try to pay attention more often than not. It’s probably 70/30 watching to scrolling, which is a good ratio.

D. overbearing parent who hovers and/or won’t shut up

This one really can be broken down into various subclasses, like a parenting Dungeons and Dragons. It really depends on the age group and the activity.

At older ages, this parent might sit on the bleachers and yell out instructions to their kid when they’re not complaining about the ref. They’re typically loud and obnoxious and don’t know the rules of the game.

At younger ages, this parent is either a hoverer or interferer. In the case of the hoverer, maybe their three year old is in a group class. They stand right next to their kid and try to micromanage every aspect of participation, which basically overrides the instructor and creates more of a distraction. In the case of the interferer, they’re yelling something stupid, like “kick your legs!” or “move your arms!” It’s the same thing the instructor is telling your kid, so it’s redundant and disruptive. The only justification is that maybe the kid won’t listen to the instructor, but will take a cue from the parent.

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Personal experience, I think parents A and D are the most common. Maybe that will be different when my kids get older. But out of curiosity I threw up a Twitter poll asking who is the bigger asshole, and D was overwhelmingly out in front after a few hours and 800 votes:

A majority of respondents said they felt like cell phone parent was mostly harmless while overbearing parent was being counterproductive and stepping on the coach or instructor’s toes.

But I have to say that I found this answer interesting:

It’s a good point. Maybe the overbearing parent is overbearing because they care. Maybe they’re hyper-focused because they want their kid to do well and fully receive the instruction they’re paying for. Does the IG-scrolling parent care as much? What’s the point of doing activities if you aren’t going to watch your kid? These are fair questions.

I’ve also got this personal theory that youth sport is where parents get their entertainment. They work all week and don’t get a lot of opportunities to cut loose. In a way, it gives them license to act like an asshole and yell from the stands, perhaps exert authority over someone else after reporting to their boss from Monday to Friday. Maybe they think they’re being helpful, but there’s a part of it that’s detrimental to the kids and even contrary to the instructions the coach is giving them. I don’t know how many times during my reffing days I heard the coach say something like “stay at home!” while a parent would then tell the kid to get forward instead. Poor kid is hearing two different things from two different people, but only one is actually in charge.

One thing that made me laugh was when I was running the touchlines at the desolate South Jersey hellscape known as the Tuckahoe Turf Farm. If you know, you know. One dad was sitting way down at the corner flag by himself, in a lawn chair. I asked him why he was sitting alone, and he told me that he couldn’t stand the other parents because they were obnoxious. Sure enough, the parents on the bleachers spent the whole time complaining about the ref and yelling for their kids to “get him!” and other assorted nonsense. They also didn’t know the offside rule and didn’t understand why advantage was being played.

Typically now you see the signs that I used in the header image above, explaining to parents that this is not the NBA and that the coaches and refs are volunteers or earning chump change. Shout out to these folks: