It’s bad enough to lose two in a row to the Yankees, but what’s particularly annoying is the number of guys on that team who look like they’re on the sex offender registry. Terrible mustaches all around.

This is the product of the Yankee facial hair ban, which has existed since the mid 70s. Players can’t have beards or chops or goatees or anything like that, only mustaches. And they can’t have hair that touches their collar, so on both fronts, Brandon Marsh would be shit out of luck if he was shipped off to the Bronx. Bryce Harper would have to shave along with the numerous other bearded Phils, though if that’s what it takes to put the barrel on the ball, then where’s the nearest razor?

As a result, we’re watching a 12 inning debacle while guys like this continually show up on the screen:

Photos: USA Today Sports

I’m in a bad mood this morning, so this might be a childish rant, but I’m sick of the mustache thing. Surely there are other people out there who feel the same way. You’ve got the Frankford Avenue hipster mustache, which may or may not have handlebars with it, like they showed up to their barista job after auditioning for a minor role in Gangs of New York. You’ve got the “Movember” mustache, where a bunch of meatheads all look like pedophiles for a full month to, admittedly, raise awareness for a good cause. But they resemble douchebags from Halloween through Thanksgiving. Then you’ve got people like Russ Joy who leave a little bit of the beard stubble there in an effort to, I don’t know, look like the Temu version of Brad Pitt’s Inglourious Basterds character, Lt. Aldo Raine. And then the worst might be Millennial men who think they’re throwing it back to some classic Burt Reynolds or Sean Connery look. As Rickie Ricardo once said, no senor! no senor! The truth is that some things are better left in the past. The mustache is an anachronism in 2024. Someone back me up here.