If you’re thinking of starting that batting cage business you’ve been sitting on, then you better do it in Philadelphia. According to Google’s year-end search results, Philadelphia is the only place in the country where “batting cages near me” finished in the top 5 of search results and I know exactly why:

A bunch of Little League dads saw that Trea Turner deal and immediately got their sons in a cage and cranked that shit up to 90 mph.

There is nobody scarier in sports than the Little League dad. Hockey dad is a close second followed by the always-violent AAU dad. But Little League dads will go to the ends of the Earth to make sure there kid gets to The Show. If you’ve got time, read this article Esquire did in 2021 on the Long Island travel baseball rivalry between John Reardon and Bobby Sanfilippo. Stalking, arrests, files of dirt on each parents all because one guy’s kid didn’t get the starting shortstop position. Apparently it’s getting its own Netflix series with Jason Bateman because the story is that nuts. By the end of the article you’ll want to enroll your kid in ballet:

 

The rest of the “near me” searches ended up like this. Just imagine what these are going to look like after the Ohtani deal:


  1. Air quality near me
  2. Pawn shop near me
  3. Plasma donation near me
  4. Batting cages near me
  5. Aquarium near me

Remember that week we couldn’t go outside? Thanks Canada. How about the people of Philly always looking to make a quick buck? Whether it’s pawning your kid’s PS5 or selling some plasma, whatever we can do to pay that rent money. We’re hustlers, baby! The fact those are two of the top 5 searches this year is WILD! Does sperm not pay like it used to? I feel like they should put sperm, blood, and plasma on the NYSE like they do gold, silver, and oil. Knowing what the going rate for sperm is at all times would do wonders for the fertility clinics. Could you imagine Jim Cramer making sperm a buy?

“Men 20-30 only care about video games and betting on sports, today. Our analysts are predicting sperm will rise to $35 a cup in the near future. We’re bullish on sperm! BUY! BUY! BUY!” 

The top 5 versus searches in Philly did not include one featuring a local team. I have no hope for future generations if we’re all Googling the fight between a YouTuber and reality show contestant over the Phillies NLCS matchup. No hope:

  1. KSI vs Tommy Fury
  2. Canelo Álvarez vs. John Ryder
  3. Nashville vs Inter Miami
  4. LSU vs Florida Baseball
  5. PSG vs Al Nassr

Also, LSU vs. Florida and it’s the baseball game that comes out on top? I did not see that coming.

The top 5 TV show searches:

  1. The Last of Us
  2. The Golden Bachelor
  3. The Night Agent
  4. Daisy Jones & the Six
  5. Shrinking

The Last of Us was amazing. Didn’t watch one second of the Golden Bachelor even though that one woman was straight out of Delco. Couldn’t tell you where you can watch The Night Agent and I hated both Daisy Jones & the Six and Shrinking. I even love Fleetwood Mac and Jason Segel. Just couldn’t get into either.

The top 5 trending tour searches:

  1. Taylor Swift | The Eras Tour
  2. Renaissance World Tour – Beyonce
  3. It’s All a Blur Tour – Drake
  4. SOS Tour – SZA
  5. Five Albums. One Night. The World Tour – Jonas Brothers

This list checks out how I think it would. Anything but Taylor Swift being #1 would be a shocker. SZA definitely rather not be on this list. There’s some kind of SZA curse in Philly. First her concert at the Wells Fargo Center was cancelled. Then Made in America, where she was set to headline, was called off because Lizzo was getting sued into oblivion.

Imagine if Pornhub released their localized data every year. You wouldn’t be able to look your family in the eye.